Welcome back, readers! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend, and stuffed yourself to the gills with food and fun! Now, let’s dive right back in…
Q: My boyfriend of one year lives in Italy and we are finding it difficult to be intimate from so far away. We’ve tried skype sex, but it doesn’t really do the trick. Do you have any tips for long distance couples to keep things fun and sexy?
A: Long distance relationships, as you’ve probably gathered by now, have very specific limitations, and your options are few. But I have many questions here, and feel free to email me back with some answers. These answers will likely determine the best course of action to keep things fresh and maintain mutual interest. I’ll try to give some feedback here, regardless.
Are you monogamous? How often do you get to see each other in person? What happens in your Skype sex, and what about it “doesn’t really do the trick?”
If the two of you have made the choice to be each other’s “one and only”s, the limitations of long-distance coupledom are bound to be frustrating. Maybe it’s time to renegotiate some of the terms of your relationship. Could you see yourself and your partner engaging sexually or intimately with other people, and then telling each other your tales? It may start out a little bumpy, but the journey has potential to be very satisfying in the long run. Then, depending on when the next reunion is to take place, you can build up some of this tension for each other while you try others out in waiting. And in terms of what you do during Skype sex, are you sure you’ve both effectively communicated what you do and don’t like about it? Does he think you like it? How can it be better for you?
Remember also that intimacy has many forms – conversation doesn’t always have to be small talk, and your intimate chats don’t have to be sexual. What do you miss about each other? What reminded you of him the other day? What did you do with a hook-up buddy that you can’t wait to try with him? Again, this takes a little bit of practice, but as long as you agree from the get-go that your each other’s primaries, then you’ll begin to build the kind of trust and safety with one another and eventually enjoy sharing this kind of information.
Q: I’m an otter with a really furry butt. Sometimes when I have sex, my butt hairs get pulled and it’s really painful. I’ve tried shaving, but it’s hard to do it myself, and the ingrown hairs hurt like a B!@#$. Do you have any suggestions for a more comfortable sexual experience?
You have a few options here. First let me ask: do you like your hairy butt? If you like it, you can keep it and still get the benefits of deliciously amazing butt sex. Here’s how!
For one, shaving SUCKS. Not only for you, but for your sexual partners. I know lots of people shave many areas of their anatomy, and to each their own, yadda yadda… I am pretty definitively anti-shaving. It doesn’t look good, and it doesn’t feel good, for anyone involved. No top likes a prickly butthole, and no bottom wants the pain of ingrown hairs getting in the way of their enjoyment of butt play of any kind. Your best option is to trim it with barber shears. Set up a mirror somewhere, and as silly as it will make you feel, lay back, spread your legs, and get a good look. Trim down the hair around your hole to no less than about a half inch from your skin, and do so every week or two. Another option is to wax. Yes, I know it’s painful. Get over it. It hurts for a few seconds, is inflamed for an hour or two, and then you have a smooth hole that feels amazing for you AND them for several weeks. Your less likely to get ingrown hairs this way, especially if you exfoliate in the shower.
If none of these options sound appealing to you, here’s an idea… get with tops who really, really like hairy butts and holes. They’ll be appreciative and won’t shut up about how sexy it is, which will make you feel more confident. And because they love hairy holes so much, they presumably will know how to better treat them during butt sex! And if not? Your final option: TALK ABOUT IT. I repeat this every week: communicate with your sexual partners about how you can enjoy better sex together. If they’re pulling on your butt hair and it hurts, offer ideas on how they can avoid it.
Then get back to me on what you decide and tell me how it goes!
Q: Let me start by saying I have an insanely high sex drive, even by gay standards. My question is that it keeps alienating me from dates and potential beaus because they just physically cannot keep up. Should I slow it down, just for them? I like the idea of monogamy, but am just too much of a handful for one man. Help!
I dealt with a very similar conundrum with a client recently, and I call this Binary Option Syndrome – your choices are sounding very black and white. It’s either this (acting on your high sex drive) or that (slowing it down for one man). There is a practically endless amount of gray area you can explore here! But before you start looking at the other options, ask yourself a few questions: Do one of your two choices sound more appealing than the other? Does the work it might take to achieve that choice sound worth it? Better yet, is it worth entirely giving up the one for the other? If the answer to these is yes, then the story you ought to tell yourself is that the work here is to accept that you’ll be giving something up for something you want. You have to choose.
However, in the meantime, you can enjoy friendships with people in which sex is a part of how you connect. Act on your sex drive with more than one person, and do so safely and responsibly. Be educated about things like PrEP, be open to exploring how you can act on your high sex drive without guilt or shame, and be communicative with your partners about all of the above.
I know this sounds like I’m speaking in the abstract here, but to many of us, a high sex drive is actually something to high-five each other (and ourselves) about, not be ashamed of. Here’s a bit of homework: Think long and hard about what would be the ideal situation for you. Write it down. Do you want a boyfriend? How would that look in your ideal world? Do you want a harem of living sex dolls? Write down your ideal situation and get back to me.
This goes for all readers. I want to hear about your ideal situations. This will be a good exercise, and if we get enough responses I will share anonymously on this blog so we can discuss how we can get what we want without compromise. Thanks for reading, and for sending in these thoughtful questions.
Get your space heaters and electric blankets out, and turn on the pilots in your furnace. Winter is coming, and I wish you guys ALL the snuggles.